Lessons From a Recovering Perfectionist

I had a full month off recently—and for the first time in my career.
A Whole. Month. Off.

This was something I dreamed about as a full-time, hustling BCBA. Back then, rest felt foreign… indulgent… even selfish. As someone whose core values are deeply rooted in serving others, I admittedly lacked one key ability: taking care of myself.

In a field that never pauses—where crisis care is constant and the work is deeply personal—I boarded the mental guilt train:

“My families don’t rest.”
“My clients are in crisis—I can’t stop now.”

I told myself lies like, “I’ll rest when this is done.”
But it was never done.

Fast forward to today. I’ve had a month off. And something I once longed for—something I needed—began to feel… like dread.
Honestly, I didn’t go into it with the right mindset. I felt ungrateful, disconnected, and resentful of what had once been a dream come true. This time off was an opportunity to rest, reflect, and redefine—and I nearly missed it.

I’ve taken intentional leaves from work before, but nothing like this. Nothing this long. Nothing this quiet.

I’m writing this for the Behavior Analyst who’s burned out but too busy to notice.
For the RBT who goes home and can’t stop thinking about their next-day schedule.
For the perfectionist who believes rest is earned—but never quite feels like they’ve done enough to earn it.

I hope you’ll take something from my experience. I hope you’ll permit yourself to rest without guilt.
Because rest isn’t lazy, it isn’t weak. It’s not quitting.
It can be uncomfortable. It might feel unproductive.
But it can also be the most transformative thing you do.

**Before you go any further, ask yourself:**

What does *success*—*truly and holistically*—look like to me?
Is it grinding to meet unattainable deadlines?
Is it completing every project I’ve impulsively materialized—only to add them as another stressor?
Or…
Is it experiencing love and joy?
Being known for your kindness?
Creating a home that feels like a haven?
Protecting your peace?
Caring deeply for the people around you?
Take time to think deeply about your answers, maybe even write them down!

The Work Doesn’t Sleep - But You Can

Most of us don’t work typical 9–5 shifts.

We wake up already in motion—thinking about our day, our schedule, and what fresh chaos the morning might bring. Maybe you walk into that eerie anticipatory silence… or perhaps it’s twenty schedule changes and a family in crisis before you even clock in.

We sleep (sometimes), but the work doesn’t.

A great colleague and mentor of mine once told me:

“There are only eight working hours in a day. The work will wait—go home.”
Easier said than done, right?

We hear conflicting messages like this all day, every day:

“Set boundaries.”
→ “Cover direct services today, and also get those three renewals done on time.”
“Your billables aren’t a measure of your value.”
→ “You haven’t hit productivity in two weeks—let’s talk.”
“We meet families where they’re at.”
→ “Your family’s missed two parent meetings. I know they’re struggling, but we need to address it.”
“Maybe your client needs a vacation from ABA.”
→ “They’ve missed 10 hours this month due to medical appointments. Let’s inform them of the need to schedule makeups.”

Catch my drift?
Relate to any of these?

There’s a constant pressure to keep going, keep producing, and keep tying your worth to the work.
The words spoken to us often sound supportive—but the underlying message strikes a very different chord.

And here’s the thing: It’s not sustainable.
We know it. We feel it. And yet we keep running.

I'm here to tell you:
You can reclaim your purpose.
You can protect your peace.
It won’t always come from a system-wide shift—but it can start with your mindset, choices, and boundaries.

The Dark Hidden Truth Behind Rest

I uncovered a dark truth about rest this month.
What happens when you finally slow down, after pushing yourself well beyond your breaking point?

The silence?
It was loud.

And honestly… it scared me.

“When you ignore your body - your needs, your fatigue, your signals - the truth doesn’t disappear. It waits.”

When you ignore your body—your needs, your fatigue, your signals—the truth doesn’t disappear.
It waits.
It buries itself deep… until there’s finally room to breathe.
And let me tell you:
The truth can breathe a lot.

I think some of us become meticulously good at avoidant behavior because of this very thing.
Because we know that rest isn’t always peaceful.
Sometimes it feels like withdrawal.
Sometimes it feels like grief.
Or like anxiety, depression, and shame rising from the surface, demanding to be seen.
And then there's the brutal discomfort of simply not doing anything—and what that stillness can reveal about who we are without the work.

This might feel silly. But just… pause for a moment.
Let your breath steady. Drop your shoulders.
And say to yourself: *“I am enough.”*

If you connect with this—I see you. I hear you. I feel you.
It’s hard. Sometimes, it downright sucks.

So here’s my heartfelt disclaimer:
I am a huge advocate for mental health care.
And I know… your busy schedule, caseload, productivity metrics—they might convince you that you don’t have time for yourself.
For therapy. For rest. For support.

But that voice?
It’s a liar.

I’ve been terrified to ask for help before.
I’ve believed that I should be able to handle it all.
But I couldn’t. And I needed help—desperately.

So if that’s you:
Please reach out.
Please take time for yourself.
You are worthy of support. You are worthy of care. You are worthy, period.

You Are Not Your Graph

Tying your self-worth to your productivity, graphs, hours billed, or client outcomes only sets you up to tear yourself down.
Our jobs are already complex. Your mind and body don’t need a self-induced bully on top of everything else.

When trying to avoid pain—or trying to "look successful" instead of being successful—we often hide perfectionism behind high achievement. But it comes at a cost: our self-worth.

So say it with me:

I am not my graph.
I am not my productivity.
I am not the lies in my head.

That’s It, You’re Grounded….(In Your Core Values 😉)

Leaning into my core values of adventure and living an exciting life—exploring the Omaha Zoo with the most supportive, loving, and caring husband I could ever ask for. A day full of connection, curiosity, and presence.

What’s helped me most in moments like this?
Connecting to my core values.

I absolutely love this free values quiz and the resources it comes with. Sure, I could probably rattle off some of my values from instinct—but sitting down to rank and reflect on them brought a whole new level of clarity.

And what surprised me?
Success, money, and influence weren’t even on the list.
What showed up instead were things like:
Purpose. Belonging. Kindness. Self-care. Self-respect.
Core traits that describe me?
A sense of adventure. Excellence. Connection. An exciting life.

So now, instead of asking myself:

“What would a successful or productive person do?”

I ask:

“What would a person with self-respect do in this situation?”
“What would an adventure-driven person do right now?”

I stopped tying my worth to outputs and outcomes.
Instead, I’m anchoring myself in what I know gives my life meaning—what inspires, grounds, and aligns with who I am.

Rest With Purpose: The Value of Productive Stillness

Let’s operationally define rest for a moment.

Rest: A productive, planful act involving activities, intentional stillness, or restorative practices that evoke a sense of self-identity, clarify the separation between who you are at work and yourself as a person, and act as a guidepost to realign your time, energy, and attention.

This isn’t passive. This is purposeful.
This kind of rest is not just the absence of work—it’s the presence of restoration.

—————

Image of myself and my kitty soaking up the day together & leaning into purpose, connection, and self-care. No TV. No background noise, just stillness and love.💛

Examples of Productive Rest:

Engaging in thoughtful journaling or creative expression
Gentle movement or time in nature
Watching a comfort show without guilt
Listening to music that grounds you
Spiritual or meditative reflection
Spending uninterrupted time with loved ones

Non-Examples:

Feeling emotionally stuck, withdrawn, or numb
Ruminating while attempting to “rest”
Dreading downtime or associating it with shame
Self-deprecating inner dialogue during stillness
Avoidance masked as rest (e.g., doom-scrolling or zoning out in guilt)

I asked my friend (and inspirational BCBA) Karly Kierzek to weigh in on this timely topic—while she’s vacationing in Hawaii. We laughed about the shared anxiety that can come with rest: me, coming from a place of waiting and anticipation… and her, from a place of knowing she’ll soon have to return.
**Here’s what she had to say**:
“I think in general, the takeaways from this vacation are:
1. When you're planning to take a vacation, there's so much more that goes into "pre-vacation" when you truly love what you do to set your team up for success and maintain continuity of quality services. However, no matter how much you try to prepare, there is a certain level of trust you must have for your team. And that in itself is rewarding when you oversee overall center operations.
2. As a BCBA and site director, particularly when you are passionate about your work, you can't help but think about how things are going when you're on vacation. In addition, you find joy in using your pastime to reflect on your team and caseload and how to continuously improve systems and intervention plans for their overall quality.
3. It's okay to REST. Truly, unapologetically, rest without doing something productive. Being on a longer vacation reminded me I should practice these mindfulness and self-care habits in my daily routine so I can continue to be excited coming to work every day.
4. Lastly and probably most importantly, enjoying a long vacation also reminded me to continue working alongside the team, not over them, and empower them to be confident and comfortable operating with you, but become excited when you return.”

Plan Your Rest Like You Plan Your Work

Yes—plan your rest.

Not to overcomplicate it, but to bring intention to it.
Just like you plan a session, a goal, or an intervention, you can plan for:

Who you rest with (alone? with a safe person?)
What activity is genuinely restorative?
Where you’ll feel safe or calm
When rest fits into your schedule, without punishment
Why it matters—for you and your well-being

Rest without intention can sometimes slide into avoidance. But rest with purpose becomes an act of alignment—a return to your values.

Tie It to Your Core Values

Don't set the bar too high. This isn’t about optimizing every moment.
It’s about restoring your soul and finding peace. Creating space for who you are beyond your work.

Ask yourself:

“What value do I want to honor through this rest?”
“How will I know I feel more grounded when I’m done?”
“What would a self-respecting, peace-seeking, joy-driven person do right now?”

Need Help Getting Started?

It’s okay if this feels awkward initially—especially if your nervous system isn’t used to slowing down. I’ve linked a few resources and coping ideas at the bottom of the page to help you plan, explore, or simply begin.

A Note to My Readers

I am not—nor do I claim to be—a mental health professional.
The tools and resources I’ve shared here are simply supports I’ve found helpful and restorative in my journey.

Please seek additional professional help if you’re struggling.
As someone living with PTSD, I’ve personally used the hotlines listed below on numerous occasions—and they have been lifesaving.
I’ve gone to therapy—again, life-changing, and life-saving.

Find what works for you, and know this:
There is no shame in needing support.
You are not broken.
You are not too much.
You are not unworthy of love and connection.

You deserve care. You deserve healing. You deserve to be supported.

Build the Space—Before Burnout Builds It for You

If I could give you one thing, it would be this:

Build space for yourself before the burnout hits.
Make it part of your process—not a last resort.

As someone who loves this field deeply, that space doesn’t always look like bubble baths and silence.
Sometimes it looks like leaning into my core value of learning—reading a new research article, investing in a CEU that lights me up, or yes, writing for this blog.

And I’ve been shamed for that before.
Told I’m “not really resting” because I was doing work adjacent things.
But here’s the truth:

Only you get to define what rest means for your body, your spirit, your mind.

Tune out the noise.
Tune in to what actually restores you.
That’s where your healing lives.

Mental Health & Wellness Resources

Please—love yourself today.
Show yourself kindness.
Give yourself grace.
You don’t have to earn it.
You already deserve it.
**You’ve got this.**

*Disclaimer: The views expressed in this blog are my own (Functionally Speaking ABA) and do not reflect the views of UNMC

Rest Isn’t Optional: Reclaiming Yourself in a Field That Won’t Slow Down